Gentlemen, behold.
I have made love to this machine.
And now, upon retrospect...
I ask why.
I'm sure someone thinks that's pretty neat.
- So you do that for science or... - No, it was free!
And she was drunk.
She didn't know what she was doing.
My metal boy.
Boy, sure is nice not having Shake around.
Yeah, it is odd that he'd go down to Guatemala and be a missionary.
In fact, it's not true.
Look here, he could be down there on a prom date...
with Santa Claus on the moon, for all I care.
The point is, I can do whatever I want with my toys.
- Put up your toys. - Shut up.
- Hello. Guess who's back? - Oh, hell.
That's good. How was your mission trip?
- And where did you get that nose? - What nose?
- The one sticking out of your face. - You mean the growth spurt?
Yeah, it's common with kids my age.
When you're a little older, you reach something called "maturity".
Look it up, wussy.
It also goes by the name of "rhinoplasty," doesn't it?
Yes, during my mission trip, I had a small procedure done...
so I can breathe better, and hit the high notes.
- And when do you sing? - Don't be jealous 'cause I'm attractive.
Why don't you go back to your ugly room...
and chat with the girl you're afraid to meet in person.
Leave her out of this.
By the way, did you tell her that you're a box of frigging... Thank you.
Bonus! You got a goatee. Yeah, that's in style.
- All right. Fine. - Like you got a dead rat on your face.
You let me know if those coconuts work out for you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Can you tell these are coconuts?
'Cause they spray-painted them and they looked good when...
No, you looking good, boy. Them professional nostrils.
Something about you. I can't put my meat on it...
- but you seem smaller in the nose area. - Thank you. I am.
Yeah, it would be great, too, if you had some cheekbones.
- You know, complete the set. - What's that supposed to mean?
Don't pin me down. Your face just seems a little front-heavy.
But you work with what God gave you, right?
I mean, nobody says anything about it, but they are thinking it.
Nobody says anything about me? But why not?
All right. Number 1: Your cheeks are hollow.
Number 2: You ain't got no masculine cut to your jaw.
I mean, you could be a man or a woman. What are you?
I gotta go back down to Guatemala for some more cheap... Mission trip.
- Lot of kids. Big trouble. - When will you be back?
That's really up to God now, isn't it? He works through me.
No one touches any of my stuff. I am a man, damn it.
- What did you say to him? - Listen. Do you hear that?
That's the sound of him not being here. All right, you thank me later.
Dear 69-So-Fine...
sorry it took me so long to write you back.
I had to pull some people out of a burning building this morning.
- I am back. - You've got to see this.
Get off the computer. Come in here.
Come in here and shake a man's hand, baby.
- Damn, son. That looks horrific. - Don't be jealous.
I'll send a couple skanks I don't want your way, don't worry.
What's that on the side? That ain't right.
Are you serious? Just hold on a second, all right?
- You better take care of that. - That's what I'm talking about.
- How's that look? - What's pumping into your jaw?
Natural spring saline.
I woke up one morning and realized I was going through the change.
You should take sex ed. Then you'd know all about this stuff.
All I'm saying is it just looks really infected.
I'm not used to gravity feed system.
You know how dumb I'd look in a magazine...
laying on a couch with half-zippered jeans...
and a chick holding a freaking saline bucket over my head to feed my jaw?
All right. I don't want to ruin your career.
I just want to say that some antibiotics might not be such a bad idea.
Antibiotics? In Guatemala? Forget it.
They give you a rat turd with a little seasoned salt.
No, I'll do the surgery there, the painkillers here.
If I did surgery, which I didn't.
You're looking like a man's man now, boy.
You gonna chop down a tree and build a log cabin...
so you can live off the land, and wrestle bears?
I'm thinking about it.
I don't know how you'll see bears with that fat sagging over your eyes.
- Meatwad, don't. - If he's our friend, we need to be honest.
Here's a test. Now look at me, Shake.
Can you see me through all the fat drooping over your eyes?
- Now that you mention it, I don't know. - You can't.
- Look here, you want your blue jean ad? - More than anything.
A blue jean ad?
Look, Shake, a lot of times the media tries to present an image...
that isn't exactly true to life.
- You understand what I'm saying, right? - No, I do.
I understand that some people, Meatwad, don't look good...
and that they should hide from the cameras at all costs.
It's the beautiful people that are the smart ones...
and it's that very same smartness that makes them rich.
People are different. It's not how you look on the outside, it's the inside that counts.
Thank you, Dad. I get the message.
Is that what you're trying to tell 69-So-Fine?
- You read my e-mail? - You think she gets you're a fireman yet?
Screw you.
Good one. Never heard that one before.
Boy, do I feel burned.
Look, you don't listen to him. He ain't vain like you are.
That's right. He doesn't know.
What you need, boy, is to lose the eye fat.
Get yourself some soft pillowy lips, rock-hard abs...
- and how about a giant brain horn? - I know.
I couldn't find a guy with the expertise. I mean, look at me.
This is my meal ticket, you know what I'm saying?
I only have one face.
And that is another issue that I wasn't gonna bring up...
but I think you forced me to.
You need a second little one so you can do toy ads.
You're right, but I can't afford to go back to Guatemala.
It's all fish bladders and coconuts down there.
We need someone who wears shoes and washes their hands.
Don't you worry, now. I know me a guy.
- Hey, Carl. - Hey, yourself.
Who's your friend over there? He smells like Almond Joys.
It's me. Shake.
Did you get that done in Guatemala or something?
- Get what done? - Yeah, he did.
We're calling in the pros now. Is your buddy out of prison yet?
- Which one? 'Cause there's three. - You know which one.
The guy that was in the hotel with the people and the welding.
Terry. Yeah, he's out.
But part of his parole is he's not supposed to...
you know, do what he was doing...
- to flesh. - We need him.
Otherwise people are gonna look at me and wonder what could have been.
All right, whatever. We'll meet at the docks at midnight.
I get a 10%%% finder's fee. You never saw me.
Fine, but I'll need a receipt, 'cause this is a business expense.
All right, he wants you to drink all that before you go in there.
Easily done, my friend.
Now you're talking my language. What's this thing for?
Yeah, that you'll bite down on, so you don't swallow your tongue.
- Now? - You'll know when.
- I feel pretty sure of that. - All right. Hello, Hollywood.
Let the games begin, baby.
Listen to that. Goodness.
- Boy, he's doing some work, isn't he? - Yeah.
I want that higher.
Yeah, he builds hot rods, mostly. Sometimes faces.
We just thank you, Carl. You've been real good to us.
Just shut up. I need my money now.
He's quick and relatively clean.
You know, this beats the jungle surgery any day.
Snakes everywhere, you can't get rid of them.
I see he sold you on the Tijuana Supremo package.
You know, initially I was skeptical, but once I saw them in the showroom...
Come on. You'd be a fool not to get it.
Let's go. How about you shut that off before the cops see us, okay?
Hang on. I'm still plugged in here.
Frylock, get in here.
I'm about to unwrap my present to the jean-wearing populace.
Are you sure that's wise? It's only been a couple of days...
- Right. I'm not waiting six weeks. - As long as you know what you're doing.
Oh, my God.
I want you to contact Jordache...
and tell them I'm on my way.
What happened to your butt? This is like a little shelter down here.
If you add somewhere, stupid...
you obviously have to subtract from somewhere.
So then they took your butt, and put it on your face.
- They did what? - See this butt. It's flat.
Actually, it's concave, isn't it?
You got an ass-face, boy. Am I right?
- You are right. - I ain't talking to you.
I'm talking to ass-face over here. What you think, ass-face?
How will I fill the jeans if I don't have an ass?
You ain't. You need to get yourself a job making horror movies.
- Return of the Deadly Ass-Face. - Fine.
Never Go Back to Ass-Face Lake.
Fine. I won't do jean ads. That's simple.
Deadly Ass-Face Lake Camp.
- Need to work on that one. - But I could do underwear, right?
Flip over, shovel-ass. You can do a hospital ad.
- They won't have to use makeup. - No! This isn't happening!
- You're a sucker. - No.
What am I gonna... Frylock.
You're into that science crap. You can straighten this all out for me.
I thought I was inferior.
I don't know. Is the unwashed allowed to touch the golden?
Maybe this one time I could let it pass.
- I won't tell anyone. - Listen, it's one or the other, okay?
Either you get your ass back or you keep that face.
I choose...
the ass.
You all thought Michael Jackson was creepy.
- Has he eaten yet? - No. You can tell he's still depressed.
Really? Is he out of my room yet?
- What? I need my space. - I can hear you out there.
Maybe I'll get a Benetton ad where they look for freaks.
- Shake, you're not a freak, okay? - Come look at this freak...
I mean, yes, you have a pair of large nostrils going down your back...
- and they're running... - My God. Look at that.
- Fryman, what are you doing? - Was he talking about me?
- No, of course not. - You missed it. It's a huge milkshake.
- Yeah, he's like... - I gotta go.
- Please. Let me handle this, okay? - Good, 'cause I gotta get out of here.
Did you change something? You look different.
No, I'm the same. How does this coat look?
- Pretty cool? - I'd loosen that belt.
She'll think you ain't got nothing down there but a spine or a snake bottom.
She? Man, I'm just gonna go run a few errands, you know.
Yeah, right. Here.
Say something about how bad the fire was and you got your face burned up.
- Play the pity card. - Hello?
- It's your only hope. - Hello? Me?
You better eat that soup. It'll help you feel better.
All right. If you think so.
Little piggy, show a little self-control.
Nothing grosses me out more than fat people like you.
- I'm fat? - As hell. Have you seen yourself?
I would not eat any more...
unless you get rid of it, you know what I mean?
- What do you mean? - I ain't talking about digestion.
I'm talking about this.
Meatwad, no.